12 Days of Deluscar – Day 3: My Blogging Chronicle – 4th year to 6th year

In a way, I guess you can say I have finally reached the sophomore stage of my blogging life? The first few years was me exploring, experimenting and figuring things out. I wrote a variety of posts, a lot of them even beyond the scope of my familiar field of interests. I tried dozens of writing styles, and oftentimes I felt like I’m writing things I don’t even know about.

It was experimentation at it’s finest. I tried a crapload of stuff — some of them work, some of them don’t. And through 3 years of weeding out the things that don’t work, the dust finally cleared and as far as writing is concerned, I felt the most comfortable and confident than I ever had going into the 4th year.

I don’t want to sound too self-aggrandizing, but even for someone with super low self-esteem like me, saying things like “I’m confident” is huge. And it’s kinda obvious too, because if you compare my writing now to the shit I wrote when I started out, it’s like night and day. Even for someone like me with low self-esteem, I can see myself improving as a writer — I can organize my thoughts better, my sentences flow better, my words more articulate. Also, things like being able to write at a good, consistent pace that doesn’t burn me out helps a lot too. Because of my better understanding of blogging overall, this period of time was when I started writing some posts I’m personally proud of even to this day.

Ironic however, is that this is the time when comments, views and activity in general started to slow down. I understand I got a late start in blogging, and at a time when there are already “better”, quicker outlets like twitter and whatnot for people to express their thoughts. Though it needs to be said by this time, around half a decade has already passed, and a lot of people I knew from the start have left the aniblogging scene.

And you know what? I didn’t mind, it was just the nature of the game. At this point I’m already happy that there are people who would even read this shitty blog.

Outside of my blog however, my life kept going on a downward spiral at this point. Over the years, I got laid off from a job which I have worked for years, which again got me to worry once more about my shaky future. I did get a new job after that, but it’s a wonderful job in the context of pushing me into further depths of mental stress, anxiety and despair. Not a job I really like, to be short. It’s like I’m stuck between two hells, do I want to continue being jobless and feel worthless? Or do I want to work in this shitty job with shitty environment that makes me want to fucking die every morning over the thought of having to go to this shithole of a workplace?

To make things worse, some of my family members were hospitalized, few didn’t even make it :( And if you haven’t already noticed, yes, I’m a lonely af guy in real life with 0 friends, which is exactly the reason why I really value my family. And all these just make my depression and anxiety even worse than they already are. Sometimes I thought “Why them? I should have been the one to die, not them.” Sometimes I thought the world wants to keep me alive just to torture me. And lo and behold, at some point during this period, I got severely sick which screwed me up for months, and time spent on my computer chair was better spent on bed, resting.

So yeah, I was in a really bad place in life. I almost never showed it in my blog or twitter however. After 3 years of expressing my thoughts in social media, I learned ranting out on my personal outlets (which mostly should have been just a fun place for me to talk anime and games) just makes it even worse whenever I visit them again. My blog is an anime blog for a reason — I want the place to be fun, not a place I want to be reminded of all the harshness and unjust in life. I generally tried my best not to rant, though they still leak out a bit from time to time.

By late-2017, after bouts of depression and sickness, I decided I wanted to slow down even further. I decided to at least publish one post per month at the bare minimum, and tried not to watch too much anime — saving the ones I like at a later date when I would be in a (hopefully) better mood. I’m uncertain as an anime fan and blogger if I can even continue to do the things that I like.

This entry was posted by Kai.

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